Something Missing

I caught up with my friends last night, one who lives most of the time in Scotland and two others who live locally and who I very rarely see. We get on incredibly well and last night we spent hours talking about minutaie, baring our souls and making each other laugh and we can go months without seeing each other and still feel very comfortable doing that. It's not surprising that I haven't seen Scotland Girl since last August as she does spend most of her time in Aberdeen and she's had a lot of significant life changes recently. But Her Loveliness and AltGirl live around the corner and I still only catch up with them when the more farflung Londoners, Scotland Girl or Spy Girl are around. I spend a lot of time worrying about the fact that I am in a rut in terms of friendship, in that I don't have anyone that I really confide in or reveal everything to and have a group of people that I get on with but don't really know very well. But that rut is of my making as I just start convincing myself that I'm too busy or that person is too busy and don't get on and make contact as I should.

We did talk last night about how much trickier it is to make friends as adults. Your lives are so much more complex and situations are different to college or University where friendships are initiated because everyone is making friends and you have that shared connection and situation. At work, you're entering at a different point to everyone else, you're all different ages and it is so unlikely that you will have much in common that you're very lucky to be able to socialise with people at work. The main people I work with are all a lot older than me, except for Neanderthal Boy who I don't think I could bear spending any more time with than I already do, and I'm so useless and shy outside of my comfort zone that I find it really difficult to talk to other people who work in different parts of the place even though I may have a lot more in common with them.

So I miss my friends and yet feel unable to make the effort to see them more. Partly due to fears of rejection, partly due to fears of impinging on their time, partly due to own busyness and laziness but the end result is still the same. Yet another thing to put on my list of stuff I need to do to improve the overall quality of my life. This is going to sound so stupid but how do normal people fit all this stuff in? I feel like I have to fit all the important life things that I need to incorporate into my day-to-day existence by never sleeping ever again. I used to play The Sims but had to stop when I got frustrated that I could never get enough time to fit in all the stuff you need to create a fully-rounded little person. It started to reflect my own life in a way that made me uncomfortable. I hate being a grown-up.