Saturday, December 31, 2011

Two Posts!?!

Hello world! Here she is; blinking and emerging into the light after a sustained period of hibernation. Good.God. Two posts in the whole of 2011. What is that about? I would have to blame it on a general lack of inclination to write about myself. I've only written about 20 or so statuses on facebook. My phone broke two months ago and I've only just got round to replacing it. Don't physically have it yet though...
It's been a bit tricky to dredge up any enthusiasm for my formerly favourite subject (i.e. ME). I don't really know why that is.
It's been a funny old year. I really found it difficult to have or maintain any sort of emotional equilibrium. I've been up and down like a yo-yo, feeling much and understanding very little. Which is quite unpleasant when you're a bit of a control freak like me.
I mainly kept busy. And other people helpfully gave me a lot of opportunities to do so. This year I have done an awful lot of acting with more groups of people than I would normally do. After a fairly full seven months (on average, a show a month, not including Instant SOOP or the fact that we did several flits around the South of England touring), I took August off.
I sort of wish I hadn't as it was the time of year that I found hardest in terms of the aforementioned equilibrium. I spent several days where I just became a panicky weepy mess. Exhausted and too scared to ask for help. And, in all honesty, unsure of whom to ask. I realised a lot of things about myself. That I am unbendingly stiff and proud in ways that are really detrimental to my general wellbeing. That I am scared to let people in but that when I do I become altogether far too dependent on them. That I am too quick to make judgements or to be negative, and that I really need to question why I do this when I do. In all honesty, it was quite a brutal learning curve.
I've been trying to adjust my own behaviour. It's really tough. It's also not very nice admitting that things are your fault and that, in some ways, you are kind of a shitty person. I mean, it's not like I'm evil or anything but some of the things I do are a bit shit. I think that can be said of anyone and I doubt I will ever be perfect, and how boring it would be if I was, but it is just hard to admit fault with stuff. It is also hard to realise that some of that stuff is unfixable. I say sorry almost compulsively but sometimes it's just a plaster over a seismic crack, isn't it?
Anyway, this particularly fun episode also taught me that I really needed to take it a bit easier for the rest of the year, which I have. Far fewer Sundays spent all day at rehearsal, for a start. It was mentioned at my actual job that I seemed to come in to have a rest, which was a comment that I balked at on first hearing it but with hindsight realised was fairly accurate. I've managed to get much better at balance since and I am hugely grateful for how lenient people at work have been.
I am still single. Shocker, right? I mean, it's all gone so well for me so far, how am I still single? It's a mystery for the ages. Well, I've got better at knowing what I'm doing wrong and I have at least "put myself out there" as a phrase that I promise to not use again goes. Again, introspection has helped me realise that I do have some unwieldy baggage. Oh, do I. Someone that I went on a date with at the beginning of June is now engaged (we're friends on facebook - he's a very nice man) and it is quite sobering to realise that this does happen. People meet, fall in love, make a life together. In another universe that could be me. So I guess I need to find a way to not predict the end of something before it's begun. And not start things that I know won't go anywhere.
New years are funny things. They're the time when we take stock, try to work out who we are and what we need to do to become more like the person we want to be. This may not last very long but I do think it's necessary. Therefore:
1) Lose weight. I've done so well in that I lost two stone two years ago and have not gained any of it back. That said, I've also been planning to lose more since. I need to get that done. And I'm looking forward to it in a funny sort of way. It's a mark of getting older that I actually enjoy not eating junk food and exercising regularly.
2) Be better. Never stop being myself but just try and reinforce those things that I've learnt. I'm allowed to be imperfect but I should try and stop sabotaging myself. That's just idiotic.
3) Do exciting things. I need to get better at organising things for myself. I've been given a bit of financial freedom and I should take advantage of that. I need to see a bit more of the world, take some risks. Learn how to ride a horse. Oh no! I've been specific. Now I have to do it.
4) Tidy up after myself. I've had a few days to sort things out and the worst thing is that everything I do seems to lead me to a huge pile of things to tidy and an almost unending supply of new things to sort. I need to try to keep on top of things a bit better.
5) Don't freak out about change. There is the potential for a great deal of things to change, welcome and unwelcome. I need to embrace it all equally and roll with it. Given that I am actually fairly good at rolling with the punches, if I do just calm down a bit it would make the whole process far easier.
6) Blog more often. I'm aiming for once a week. I don't know what it'll be like. Hopefully honest. Possibly funny, although I think that it's a bit embarrassing if I try too hard. And it doesn't really matter, I suppose. It is entirely up to you if you choose to read this. But writing it seems, for me, like a really good idea.
Go on then, 2012. Bring it on.