I am off on a training day to learn how to be assertive. In this job so far I have improved on being a Minutes Secretary, learned how to be appraised, how to get ahead in management (I haven't) and how to deal with people "on the front line", as separate from the more practical software and regulations training that I have to do periodically. I quite like these training sessions, they're a good opportunity for a nap and they have hot and cold running tea and biscuits. Despite my tendency to nap, however, I tend to ace them. I've always been good in classroom situations, I'm not afraid to look stupid and put my hand up and I'm quite good at pretending to be assertive in a controlled situation. But that's not really the point. I'm going to come out of today still rather afraid of confrontations and unable to stop my lip from wobbling when forced to remain assertive. My own physical inability to keep from crying in difficult situations (happy, sad, angry, frustrated=tears) isn't going to go away after one day. I once started crying when asking a housemate to be more considerate about bathroom usage at Uni. I am a big wuss. Looking at the programme for today, though, I am quite looking forward to the "Group Brag" - self-esteem, compliments and praise. The ego will be pleased.
Fitness update: I tried Hot Cycling on Monday and ached yesterday but am now miraculously pain-free after Aquafit and swimming yesterday. I just wish the Aquafit tutor would think up some new jokes as the jokey "four left: four, three, two, what comes after two? One and three quarters, that's right. One and a half, etc, etc" which she does for each exercise starts to wear a bit thin.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Sleep, or the lack thereof
I am obsessed with sleep at the moment. I spent a lot of last week waking up in the early hours fretting about quitting the band and what would be said. This has now rolled over into this week, mainly because the Mule's insomnia has been getting worse and worse. For some reason, however, this is affecting me more than him because he just carries on taking sleeping tablets and ignores the problem and I fret about all the things he should do to actually solve it, resulting in my losing several hours of sleep worrying about his losing sleep. Ah, irony.
To be honest, though, sleep is something I obsess about quite a lot. When I was young I used to have panic attacks if I didn't get to sleep by a certain time (twenty past eight) because that meant I wouldn't get to sleep at all. For some reason, the vision of sleeplessness that I had was always accompanied by a mental image of a badger. I had possibly just learned that badgers were nocturnal but I still have no idea whether this was comforting or scary,maybe I thought I'd turn into one. It may not surprise you to know that I also used to avoid pavement cracks and count everything as a child. I still do it subconsciously every so often before realising but I am saved, I think, by my inability to count well (I forget where I am and, if not concentrating, go back to 20 instead of counting 91). Phew, a brief teeter on the brink of OCD saved by general ineptness.
To be honest, though, sleep is something I obsess about quite a lot. When I was young I used to have panic attacks if I didn't get to sleep by a certain time (twenty past eight) because that meant I wouldn't get to sleep at all. For some reason, the vision of sleeplessness that I had was always accompanied by a mental image of a badger. I had possibly just learned that badgers were nocturnal but I still have no idea whether this was comforting or scary,maybe I thought I'd turn into one. It may not surprise you to know that I also used to avoid pavement cracks and count everything as a child. I still do it subconsciously every so often before realising but I am saved, I think, by my inability to count well (I forget where I am and, if not concentrating, go back to 20 instead of counting 91). Phew, a brief teeter on the brink of OCD saved by general ineptness.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
It is Done
So, the decision was decided and now the deed is done. I am out of the band. We've been in our current incarnation for about three years and I'm hoping they feel able to carry on without me. I know how important it is to FairyHair in particular and feel bad for her sake that I felt it necessary to go. However, as a group we didn't work, always a problem when there's three of you, and I was feeling more and more like the spare wheel. It's been a couple of years since I used to come back from the rehearsals in tears and ironic that I chose to leave now but it really felt like now was the time for a good clean break.
Hopefully it won't be the last that is heard of the band, although as I am no longer in it I can't make any promises. It definitely won't be the last you'll hear of me. Onwards and upwards, baby, onwards and upwards.
Hopefully it won't be the last that is heard of the band, although as I am no longer in it I can't make any promises. It definitely won't be the last you'll hear of me. Onwards and upwards, baby, onwards and upwards.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Decided
I've spent the last three months or so making a very difficult decision. Now tonight is the time when I have to do something about it. It isn't earth-shattering but it is important to me and will probably leave some people disappointed. I spent a great deal of last night thinking it over and weighing up what I am about to do and how I say it. It's difficult to decide whether to get everything out in the open or remain dignified and mature (and we all know how capable of maturity I am). I was also going over the pros and cons to doubly make sure that I am happy with the decision. I'm not exactly jubilant about it but it is definitely the right thing to do. I'm decided.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Maturity
I just reread my post from yesterday. Is it bad that I still giggle when I call people smelly? Should I have grown out of this by now? Should I no longer find the words poo, bum, wee, willy and boobies funny? Will it mean that I have finally grown up when I fail to crack a smile when someone says Number 2? I think I just have to face up to the fact that I am immature and may stay this way for a while. He, he, he, boobies.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Fun was had by all
Hello to my lovely people, and to my smelly people (Big Sis, I'm talkin' 'bout you, you know it). I seem to have become more of an occasional poster recently as the initial fever of having a blog has died down. I think that's the way it needs to be, otherwise everything that I end up doing will be shaped into an anecdotal filter, much like watching everything through a camera lens.
I enjoyed Hills Have Eyes, although wouldn't necessarily recommend it. There are good scares and good effects and I was impressed with the main actor, Aaron Stanford, who has taken a bit of a leap from the teenage roles he has become known for (Pyro in X-Men 2 and the lead in Tadpole) to a family man. I do have reservations about it, though, which mainly come from the 70s throwback aspects of it; elements of misogyny and concepts of masculinity which felt a bit dated. However, my reservations and MuleBoy's less contemplative enjoyment of the film led to an interesting discussion in the car on the way back.
I don't remember kicking much arse at the paintball: I'm still not entirely sure whether I hit anyone; I fell over a lot; and got hit many, many times by unexploded paintballs, which is why I still have an impressive array of multi-coloured bruises. Many of these are around my leg and knee area so I look like I've been attacked by particularly vicious garden gnomes. I'd definitely do it again, though, gnomes and all.
I watched Raiders of the Lost Ark last night for the first time in ages. It led me to wonder whether I have ever actually seen the beginning sequence before in my life as I didn't remember any of it, just those bits that are famous from spoofs and clip shows. I'm also still surprised by the bit where we see inside the ark as, when I was little, my Dad used to cover our eyes when Indy tells Marian not to look. This was probably done to be funny rather than to protect us as I remember him chuckling throughout. I think I was about 19 (and living away from home) when I saw it for the first time, so it's still shiny and new.
I enjoyed Hills Have Eyes, although wouldn't necessarily recommend it. There are good scares and good effects and I was impressed with the main actor, Aaron Stanford, who has taken a bit of a leap from the teenage roles he has become known for (Pyro in X-Men 2 and the lead in Tadpole) to a family man. I do have reservations about it, though, which mainly come from the 70s throwback aspects of it; elements of misogyny and concepts of masculinity which felt a bit dated. However, my reservations and MuleBoy's less contemplative enjoyment of the film led to an interesting discussion in the car on the way back.
I don't remember kicking much arse at the paintball: I'm still not entirely sure whether I hit anyone; I fell over a lot; and got hit many, many times by unexploded paintballs, which is why I still have an impressive array of multi-coloured bruises. Many of these are around my leg and knee area so I look like I've been attacked by particularly vicious garden gnomes. I'd definitely do it again, though, gnomes and all.
I watched Raiders of the Lost Ark last night for the first time in ages. It led me to wonder whether I have ever actually seen the beginning sequence before in my life as I didn't remember any of it, just those bits that are famous from spoofs and clip shows. I'm also still surprised by the bit where we see inside the ark as, when I was little, my Dad used to cover our eyes when Indy tells Marian not to look. This was probably done to be funny rather than to protect us as I remember him chuckling throughout. I think I was about 19 (and living away from home) when I saw it for the first time, so it's still shiny and new.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Horror Fan
The plan is to watch The Hills Have Eyes tonight. I've never seen the original so I'm looking forward to it. I never quite managed to make myself see the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre because I loved the original and because it was directed by Michael fricking Bay (you want to hear me get soapbox-y, ask me about Michael Bay, the world's most moronic director). MuleBoy, despite enjoying the genre as well, doesn't understand the Texas Chainsaw Massacre thing as he thinks I'm sick for finding it funny. Now, the film starts off just plain scary, you've got your shots of graveyard desecrations, then your build-up of tension and unease, and then Leatherface starts attacking. However, once the man in the wheelchair gets killed, it all starts getting a bit silly in a blackest of black humours kind of way. The blond heroine's run through the wood followed by man with chainsaw is all very Acme-esque, bringing up images of Roadrunner and Wile E Coyote and the use of sound is hilarious. The sequence where the heroine is tied up and absolutely terrified at the dinner table is scarier because of the humour. She screams and they mock her by screaming back at her; she's waiting to be killed by the mummified grandfather who can barely hold the murder weapon; Leatherface has put lipstick on. It's all so unsettling and weird that laughing is the natural reaction. The end, once you've come through the ordeal, is still my second favourite horror ending after Psycho as there aren't any other horror heroines who looked so completely traumatised. Although I approve of the smarter heroines who fight back etc, I can't help feeling that if I went through what they tend to go through in these films, I would be bloodied and laughing insanely in the back of a pick up truck too. Not for me the witty comeback and the cool, final gunshot to the baddy's head. Tonight's film doesn't look like a laugh-riot but I really fancy Slither (2006), which looks very sick but also quite funny and has the tightpanted Nathan Fillion in a starring role. This is a golden time for all horror lovers as studios are realising how little these films cost and how much money they make. Look out for Hostel and Reeker as well (unless you're Herself, in which case run for the hills).
Thank you to Herself for providing encouraging words to help me along in my quest for better fitness and all over health. And enough people (Herself, Big Sis and Drunken Accomplice) have said that sports clothes don't count for me to be reassured that the clock is still ticking and is nearly at 2 months on the no-clothes ban. I would also like to recommend the sports bra I got, which is a Shock Absorber one. It's awesome, I'm a D cup and there is no movement when I'm wearing it. I was jumping up and down in the changing rooms, trying to get it to move and there was nothing. It made Boxercise easier yesterday (I managed about 5 Burpees compared to the zero Burpees I did last week), although I still need to fix my glasses more firmly as they've been threatening to fall off. You get one unnecessarily bouncing thing fixed, and realise you need to stop another.
Well, I'm off to get myself mentally prepared for the Paintballing and Shag Party tomorrow (for the uninitiates, Shag is a stag/hen combination party rather than what you're thinking of, you naughty uninitiate!) I may cry, I will bruise but I also hope to kick some arse.
Thank you to Herself for providing encouraging words to help me along in my quest for better fitness and all over health. And enough people (Herself, Big Sis and Drunken Accomplice) have said that sports clothes don't count for me to be reassured that the clock is still ticking and is nearly at 2 months on the no-clothes ban. I would also like to recommend the sports bra I got, which is a Shock Absorber one. It's awesome, I'm a D cup and there is no movement when I'm wearing it. I was jumping up and down in the changing rooms, trying to get it to move and there was nothing. It made Boxercise easier yesterday (I managed about 5 Burpees compared to the zero Burpees I did last week), although I still need to fix my glasses more firmly as they've been threatening to fall off. You get one unnecessarily bouncing thing fixed, and realise you need to stop another.
Well, I'm off to get myself mentally prepared for the Paintballing and Shag Party tomorrow (for the uninitiates, Shag is a stag/hen combination party rather than what you're thinking of, you naughty uninitiate!) I may cry, I will bruise but I also hope to kick some arse.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Sleepy kitten
I messed with my sleep patterns a bit this weekend and am thus unable to really wake up particularly. After the night of booze and pink lampshades, I got home but didn't get to sleep until 2ish, then woke up at 6.30 and went swimming, then slept for most of the afternoon, then went to sleep about 2ish, woke up about 7 the next day and slept most of the afternoon. If I am to truly pursue this crazy exercise-y lifestyle then I should perhaps make other changes to cater for it a bit more.
In addition to this, I was very disappointed after a week of pushing myself to have put on weight at Weightwatchers last night. However, the fact that my weekend's diet included tapas (with at least a bottle of wine to myself), chinese, pick'n'mix sweets, roast pork and potatoes may have contributed to this. Dammit!
So earlier nights on Fridays, avoid alcohol, avoid eating out and try and stick to the diet a bit more. Argh. I may give myself a day off a week but I think three is a bit excessive. I must get rid of the weight that I haven't properly managed to shift since before Christmas and then keep going! I'm determined now!
I finished Girlfriend in a Coma by Douglas Coupland yesterday. It's an excellent book about the way that the world has shot off in a diagonal from the way that it should be. A girl goes into a coma in 1979 (the day before my birth, which, embarrassingly, is one of the reasons I was intrigued enough to buy the book. Interestingly the book is full of similar coincidences, so maybe not so embarrassing) and wakes up 17 years later and is disappointed by the way that the world has developed. Time doesn't exist and the only thing that people can get excited about is how efficient everything is (she also gets sick of everyone telling her about AIDS and the collapse of the Berlin Wall). It's very interesting and full of metaphysical ideas which are left tantalisingly close but never fully explained. I approve of not treating an audience like morons so appreciated that. I'm not going to bother doing a link because I don't seem to be particularly successful with books. However, the book thing seems to be becoming a regular thing. Maybe I should also review the Sudoku puzzle book I fall asleep over every night in bed. I don't like reading in bed as I either get too excited that I can't sleep and want to keep reading, or fall asleep and miss things. For some weird reason, that seems impolite.
In addition to this, I was very disappointed after a week of pushing myself to have put on weight at Weightwatchers last night. However, the fact that my weekend's diet included tapas (with at least a bottle of wine to myself), chinese, pick'n'mix sweets, roast pork and potatoes may have contributed to this. Dammit!
So earlier nights on Fridays, avoid alcohol, avoid eating out and try and stick to the diet a bit more. Argh. I may give myself a day off a week but I think three is a bit excessive. I must get rid of the weight that I haven't properly managed to shift since before Christmas and then keep going! I'm determined now!
I finished Girlfriend in a Coma by Douglas Coupland yesterday. It's an excellent book about the way that the world has shot off in a diagonal from the way that it should be. A girl goes into a coma in 1979 (the day before my birth, which, embarrassingly, is one of the reasons I was intrigued enough to buy the book. Interestingly the book is full of similar coincidences, so maybe not so embarrassing) and wakes up 17 years later and is disappointed by the way that the world has developed. Time doesn't exist and the only thing that people can get excited about is how efficient everything is (she also gets sick of everyone telling her about AIDS and the collapse of the Berlin Wall). It's very interesting and full of metaphysical ideas which are left tantalisingly close but never fully explained. I approve of not treating an audience like morons so appreciated that. I'm not going to bother doing a link because I don't seem to be particularly successful with books. However, the book thing seems to be becoming a regular thing. Maybe I should also review the Sudoku puzzle book I fall asleep over every night in bed. I don't like reading in bed as I either get too excited that I can't sleep and want to keep reading, or fall asleep and miss things. For some weird reason, that seems impolite.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Not a happy blogger
I have been put off posting this week as I understand that I have been criticised for being rude to people. In my defence, I would say that I may be flippant but I never plan to insult my friends or family. Please, anyone who has received a name and is unhappy about it, provide me with alternatives. If the content upsets people too much, by all means stop reading.
So, now that that's out of the way, there were quite a few things I want to write about this week so here's my week in short:
1. Went out to a birthday do last Friday and ended up initiating conversations with people I'd never met before. Given my occasional stilted speech and extreme shyness, this felt like an achievement. Yay me!
MuleBoy enjoyed himself despite spending the hour previous to the party telling me he didn't want to go. Yay him!
2. Met up with old friends who I haven't seen for months on Saturday. Ended up freezing and watching Tootsie in a house with broken heating for four hours before we decamped to Miss Funky's parent's house for heat and fajitas. The Gay Tory and I found that we were both extremely useless at music quizzes and for some reason decided to team up. We lost. I also learned a new song:
Lesbians, lesbians
A woman takes another for a lover
Lesbians, lesbians
They don't have to be..undercover
3. I decided to exercise and have so far been to an aqua fit class and a boxercise one. I am going swimming tomorrow morning as well. I hurt, which I expected, but feel amazing, which I didn't.
4. In the course of preparing for fitness, I had to buy a new sports outfit as I only had some t-shirts and some brown jogging trousers that are saggy at the knees.. The new thing was half price and necessary but it still counts as falling off the wagon. I start again here. Unfortunately I also need a new bra as I didn't have enough support. Can't decide whether this will count or not.
5. I am going out to get sozzled tonight and plan to be embarrassing. MuleBoy is not coming but will have to deal with the aftermath. Feel sorry for him, everybody. Unfortunately alcohol tends to be the main cause of weight gain for me but I plan to not think about that this evening. I just hope I'll manage the swim.
That was my week. I had a lovely time, thank you please.
So, now that that's out of the way, there were quite a few things I want to write about this week so here's my week in short:
1. Went out to a birthday do last Friday and ended up initiating conversations with people I'd never met before. Given my occasional stilted speech and extreme shyness, this felt like an achievement. Yay me!
MuleBoy enjoyed himself despite spending the hour previous to the party telling me he didn't want to go. Yay him!
2. Met up with old friends who I haven't seen for months on Saturday. Ended up freezing and watching Tootsie in a house with broken heating for four hours before we decamped to Miss Funky's parent's house for heat and fajitas. The Gay Tory and I found that we were both extremely useless at music quizzes and for some reason decided to team up. We lost. I also learned a new song:
Lesbians, lesbians
A woman takes another for a lover
Lesbians, lesbians
They don't have to be..undercover
3. I decided to exercise and have so far been to an aqua fit class and a boxercise one. I am going swimming tomorrow morning as well. I hurt, which I expected, but feel amazing, which I didn't.
4. In the course of preparing for fitness, I had to buy a new sports outfit as I only had some t-shirts and some brown jogging trousers that are saggy at the knees.. The new thing was half price and necessary but it still counts as falling off the wagon. I start again here. Unfortunately I also need a new bra as I didn't have enough support. Can't decide whether this will count or not.
5. I am going out to get sozzled tonight and plan to be embarrassing. MuleBoy is not coming but will have to deal with the aftermath. Feel sorry for him, everybody. Unfortunately alcohol tends to be the main cause of weight gain for me but I plan to not think about that this evening. I just hope I'll manage the swim.
That was my week. I had a lovely time, thank you please.
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