Play Hangover

Ems described it thus. That fug that colours everything post-play. When it's something that grips me as much as Closer did, it's a longer hangover and I'm not sure whether I'm really out of it. I really made myself vulnerable and open during the run and I don't seem to have regrown my armour again yet. I feel very emotionally exposed and all the things that I'm normally able to ignore - sense of general frustration and penned-in-ness - are there all of the time. I feel like a caged animal, just prowling around my boundaries and trying to find a point of escape but don't seem able to do it. I just watched Road, the next production, in my capacity as lighting designer (I don't know what I'm doing, ssh, don't tell anyone) and was shocked by how much of what the younger characters were expressing felt relevant to me. There should be more. More possibility. More magic.

This sense of feeling penned-in was one of the factors that broke up ToyBoy and me. I love him to bits but needed to be alone again and he felt the same and we'd got to a point where we were being irritable, which went against everything that had brought us together in the first place. It's made me think about what I really want. It all depends on who or what happens to me but I really don't feel, at the moment, like I want anything conventional at all. Not marriage, not domesticity, not children. At the moment I just want freedom. I want to live somewhere different for a while, a new city maybe. I want a new job, something that I maybe don't have to go to every day and which doesn't make it so easy for me to just sit there and let my thighs accumulate fat. I'd like to see new things and force myself out of my fear of change. I feel like I'm on the edge of something. I just need to wait until my responsibilities are sorted. And then I will wait and settle back into my comfortable rut and never do anything.

This is a pretty shapeless post, sorry. I guess the inside of my head is just feeling quite fragmented at the moment. Caged tigers lack concentration.