A Certain Sort of Contentment

I write this feeling particularly bleary-eyed and slightly sorry for myself. I've been suffering under an annoying cold this week. Not ill enough to stay at home, not well enough to really enjoy anything. I've spent far too much time on the sofa trying to learn new chords. For anyone who's interested, my favourite new chord on the ukulele is C6:

And yet I have not managed to learn any lines. I'll get on that at some point.

In some ways, I am feeling content yet conflicted. I had some amazing advice from a friend and actually acted upon it. Which is so unlike me; I prefer to complain about stuff than do anything constructive. I'd got to the point, though, where I was bringing a certain issue up more and more frequently and had realised how bad it was for me that I was clinging onto it so tightly. I couldn't work out whether it was just an excuse or an actual problem so I took steps to find out. Things have worked out exactly as I would have hoped, which has been an ideal combination of timing and good fortune and I finally feel like there's some sort of (apologies now for the horrible yet appropriate word usage on the other side of this bracket) closure.

So, yeah, closure. It is, completely genuinely, great. However, the downside for me is when do I know whether I'm fixed? Am I okay now? Has the closure fairy worked her magic (totally a thing)? In the last few years, I have run away from anything where I'd be expected to actually have a grown-up, real relationship. I went to the wedding of a friend last year and saw not just how happy they were but how well they knew each other and how much they were each other's partner. I left there knowing exactly what I wanted, ended the mildly dysfunctional relationship I was in, and have been single now for a year and a half.

I am at a point where I feel like less of a hopeless prospect. I don't feel quite so much like that sign is there above my head saying "she's an absolute nightmare of a girlfriend, run away!" The downside, though, is that I am at the point where I have gone far too long without regular sex. Therefore, even though I am emotionally in a position to make decent choices, it is entirely possible that the idea of actual physical contact might make my mind up for me. If I find someone attractive and they seem fairly keen on me, then I might just go for it and realise, several months down the line, that I've jumped in far too quick and basically had an extremely long fling, further delaying the possibility of an actual functional relationship.

At the same time, though, I could end up turning down something great because I am so worried about making a mistake. Seriously, how do I know? If I like someone, does that necessarily mean that I'm wrong?Sometimes I think it'd be nice to believe in something, like a god or fate or whatever, because then you also tend to believe that things will just happen in a convenient pre-ordained type way. But, yeah, that really isn't me. 

I don't know what the future holds but that's okay. I don't know what being sorted is like or whether I am fixed but that's okay too. I just know that, cold aside, I feel better. I feel hopeful.