Alice and the Universe

I've been debating whether to write this for a few days. As the sort of person who, when speaking about someone, has to check that they are not behind me, it is quite terrifying to commit myself to writing about others, as it is a far more permanent method of discussion. I don't really write about other people very often, beyond my family, and have taken posts down in the past for fear of ructions. I don't like ructions. I can mention Kathryn though. Otherwise she may get bored and wander away. Hello sweetie, you've heard most of this and for that I apologise.

However, this post is coming about because the universe and me are somewhat at odds at the moment and unfortunately it does involve other people. Both of whom will hopefully never discover this blog. Unless me and the universe get back on speaking terms and everything works out for the best. This is unlikely to happen so, yeah. Get your hoping boots on.

I am so single. So, so single. So single am I that I am becoming a happy-ending deterrent. At a recent improv night we did a longform based around the structure of a romantic comedy. I was the heroine and the whole plot ended with her alone while the girl who stole both her men chatted up the doctor in the hospital room of the heroine's dead would-be boyfriend. Most tragic romcom ever. Who knew it was contagious? I'm going to have to start ringing a bell.

Part of the problem is that it is very difficult to meet people, not aided by the fact that I have stuck to my anti-dating website stance. Every so often I think about breaking that resolution, even going so far as putting in my search criteria, but then I start thinking through the last few attempts and wonder how worth it, it really is. Outside of that, in the real world, it is incredibly rare that I meet people who actually interest me.

This is where the universe hating me comes in.

I just tried to write the complete history of this which would take me forever. I will try to skip forward to somewhere a bit more pertinent. There's someone at work I like.

UPDATE:
I have long since got over Max. There's no interesting story there. He's still here, I never did anything embarrassing, it was just a crush that died.
END OF UPDATE.

I believed him to be boring so didn't talk to him. He's quiet to the point of nearly being unfriendly at work - I am much the same, I just didn't realise other people did this. I talked to him for the first time in March. We talked for hours and I discovered that he is one of the most interesting people I've ever met. He has a girlfriend though. They got together in January. He's been here since September 2010, which makes over a year of completely missed opportunity on my part. Screw you, universe. A couple of weeks ago I went out with work people, he was there. We danced, he walked me home. We talked about poetry on the way. I am now completely smitten. He has at no point indicated that he likes me, I'm fairly sure he is smitten with his actual girlfriend and probably never thinks about me at all unless I'm right there. There is no hope for me and Mr Perfect. There is just the unavoidable truth of his existence. Being all perfect and that.

On the same night, I chatted to several other people but was effervescent to the point of delirium from proximity to Mr P. Apparently this was infectious and I came in the next week to an invitation to dinner from someone else entirely. I am not really all that interested. For all that he's nice, he suffers in comparison. He is Not Mr P.

So what the universe has done is put me in a position where I meet someone who ticks all the boxes, including some I didn't even know I had, but have missed out on any opportunity with by a matter of months. Then, as a consolation prize, has offered someone else whose main problem is that they are not the other guy.

Of course, the more worrying way of looking at it (if you don't consider the notion that the universe has a weird vendetta against me as quite worrisome in itself) is whether I am doing this subconsciously. The last few times I have liked someone, they have been in some way unattainable. I haven't really liked anyone that I could have an opportunity of actually going out with.

The thing is, I don't know whether there is some part of me that is sabotaging myself. In all honesty, I am terrified of getting hurt and hurting someone else, which is a fairly inevitable part of it all. However, and I think I'm being as truthful as anyone ever can be to themselves or a very small band of loyal readers, what I really want is to be in a relationship that works. Therefore, I will give people a chance but if I do not feel it then I refuse to settle. That is the benefit of Mr Perfect, after all. He may be unattainable but he does remind me that looking for someone who is actually right for me is not a completely pointless endeavour. I won't settle and maybe, just maybe, I won't have to.