Things To Think About At Four In The Morning

In many ways, I am in an enviable position. It is only me that I am responsible for, I have lots of people who I love and care about but ultimately there's just me. I don't have to do anything for anyone except when I choose to. No children, no husband, just two cats. I co-habit with Big Blue and we drift in and out, which suits both of us quite well - there's a nice overlap of interests and friends but not too much of an overlap. I don't have to eat with anyone, I don't have to check in with anyone (unless I, for example, walk home from someone's house in the dark and then have to text them to reassure them that I'm alive). I have things that I love - people and places and things that make me happy. I have a job that pays the bills and isn't too difficult with lots of benefits - regular hours, flexi-time and lots of holiday. Given that quite a lot of people are struggling financially, I shouldn't really complain.

So why am I still feeling a deep, deep sense of ennui? Partly, it's because I'm worn out. I've taken too much on at my busiest time of the year for work. A large part of the reason why I currently feel so low is that I am not doing my job very well. I keep making idiotic mistakes, which don't really count as mistakes, really, more like negligence. Something looks a bit complicated and I can't be bothered to work it out so I ignore it when it's a small problem and then keep ignoring it until it's become a problem the size of Alaska and I've caused problems for other people. I realised that I'd done this again today and I know how it's going to go - I'll fret about it, wake up at about 4 in the morning, panic, not get to sleep for an hour or two, then sleep so heavily that I wake up ridiculously late and have to rush around like a maniac before going to work and confessing my sins to my line manager who will look at it practically and help me fix it and make me feel that maybe it isn't entirely my fault and I'll forget about it until I do it again. When it becomes an entirely predictable pattern then I think you know that you have a problem.

I know I need to leave but I don't know what I want to do. Every time I think about doing admin, I feel really depressed. This is not what I want to be doing in five, ten, fifteen years' time. But I feel a bit depressed when I consider the options. Really, what I want to be is financially unburdened and able to go the places I want to go, meet the people I want to meet, listen to all the music I haven't listened to, read all of the books I want to, see the films I want to see, learn the things I want to learn. As I feel lower and more trapped, the less inclined I am to do all the things I want to do.

I was telling Big Sis how I feel when she drove me home from work this evening. Then I slipped into a little daydream about what would happen were I to go back in time to age 17 before I made all of the decisions that have now shaped my life but with all of the memories of this particular course of things still present in my mind. I would definitely do things differently, particularly if they didn't affect the person I've become as a result of the first choices I've made. I would take more risks, I think. Be more reassured in my intrinsic value as a human being. All things that I struggled with at that age.

The positive thing about my current way of thinking is that it ties me less to the things that I have been using as an excuse but which are essentially just my way of hiding my fear of change. I will miss my family. I will miss my friends and some good times. I may miss out on some acting opportunities. But those things will be there if the change that I am considering doesn't work.

Because what I'm gearing up to is the germ of an idea. Not an immediate one. It may take a couple of years, it may never happen (this is me we're talking about). But, it's difficult to explain, there's a person I want to be and at some point I lost my way towards becoming her.

I worry because I do this often. I convince myself that I need to get out and then stay. I look through all of the options and then decide on a route and then continue with the same habits, which compound on themselves until I'm in a worse situation than I was before. I'm dreadful for convincing myself that the safe option is best. For getting so caught up in things that suddenly a year is over and nothing has changed. If I look through my blog, I can see several instances of a new plan, a new direction and then everything stays the same. So what do I do next? How do I change? How do I become the Best Possible Alice?