Okay, so it has been requested that I divulge more of the details of my extra-special and exciting acting class. I have resisted the last few weeks as I have been struggling with a major concern. I went in the week after my Method triumph and there, in our little studio, was a video camera. And a TV. My heart sunk and remained in the region of my toes for the whole session. I felt completely out of it with the other members of the group and fell apart a bit every time I went in front of the camera. I also found out that I may have to change my name as I've never really liked it and it shows, apparently. I'm considering Wholahay.
My struggle with my appearance plays no little part in my fear and concern regarding being captured on film. But the thing that really bothers me is being confronted with someone who is not me. That woman on film is not me. I resent that it is me. I do not look like that and I do not sound like that. Seriously, who the hell is it? As anyone who has ever been backstage with me on a play, or indeed anywhere where there's a mirror, can testify, I am a little obsessed with my mirror image. I can quite happily make faces at myself for hours. I have a wide and varied number of faces that I pull, and I get really crazy if I have different hair and make-up, I enjoy seeing my face change and look different. But never, in my obsessive study of my own face, do I see the girl on film. I guess what freaks me out the most is the realisation that the mental image I have of myself is not what other people see.
For me, it is kind of hard that, if I want to do this as a job, I have to get used to this. Actually, if I want this as a hobby, I have to get used to this. Because there is no way I can get more control over what she looks like and the way that she moves if I don't study her and try to correct it. I can feel that I'm doing it right but how do I know that I'm communicating it if I don't look at what I'm doing wrong? And that's the worst thing, it's like having to eat fruit or stand on high things in order to be better at what I do. I am forced to confront something I really, really hate and part of me wants to cry or have a tantrum about it. But the perfectionist part knows I'm going to have to get over it and she is both a pedant and really, really bossy.
As a sidenote to this, I feel I have to make the note that you are lovely readers and friends to try to make me feel better about the way I look. But I do not say it because I need reassurance. I say it because it is part of the narrative.
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6 comments:
I suspect this has a lot to do with why the rest of us only play at it; we are not brave enough to take it any further.
Maybe try and pretend you are a cat. They are totally self obsessed and the idea of a cat being in the slightest insecure with her own image is totally absurd. Any time you want lessons, come round and spend some time with The Empress...
Good luck!
I am responsible for your name and I apologise. It seemed to fit for a while. You will notice I have moved on to Cat as it is a more mature Kitten and is also the first three letters of your middle name. I admit it has already been claimed by Cat Deeley. I enjoyed the story of Who.... from ANTP. I prefer "So You Think You Can Dance" because they have to do more than look pretty.
I know the feeling. I remember not attending to class the day our English Theatre teacher told us he was going to show the rest of the class our performance in a Beckett's play. Aaaaw...
Herself - I don't think you should encourage me to become more self-obsessed. And I guess I think of myself as realistic rather than insecure.
Daddio - America's Next Top Plumber? Paediatrician? So You Think You Can Dance is great but it doesn't have the sheer camp splendour of ANTM. Mary's crazy but she aint no Janice Dickinson (incidentally, to other ANTM obsessives, how much do we miss Janice? I wish she was still there. She was just so much better than Lesby Horny)
Lady Skywalker - I hear ya! I'd never skip a class (big geek, enormous geek, embarrassing levels of geekiness) but I have been tempted.
I know how you feel. I was in that "Blue Planet" programme and my teeth were chattering like someone had shaved off my fur. Bloody nerves.
They won't help when I play the role of Mercutio in the Polar Players version of Romeo and Juliet this summer.
Kitten,
Herself is wrong; I am not self obsessed, I am self assured. I do not need to be send obsessed, I do not need to think about myself because I know with absolute confidence that I am the most perfect and most important being in the universe. Hence I do not have to waste time or energy thinking about such things. It allows me to accept my slaves as they are without being threatened by their strengths. I am interested to observe how few humans seem to be comfortable with themselves. Mind you, they are humans, so obviously not as perfect as I am.
Also, I suggest if somebody has the audacity to suggest that your beautiful womanly curves are excessive you find an opportunity to shred something precious to that person with your claws (or maybe you will need some scissors) Himself will simply have to learn some manners! Else it will be the torture chamber for him...
I have heard Them say you dance very well. Get them to video this for you.
Yours,
Theodora
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