Lacking Inspiration

I have been finding it very difficult to do anything recently. My enthusiasm for things has evaporated temporarily. Pretty much the only things I have looked forward to are going to see my Dad and TV programmes (although these are very dependent on mood, except for America's Next Top Model which I could genuinely watch for 24 hours a day without getting bored). Obviously it hasn't been that bleak, I may be exaggerating a little. I went out for a Valentine's Meal with MuleBoy and we've been doing wedding stuff. But I missed an audition for Big Liam's band because I was going to the hospital the day after Dad's op and had spent the morning in floods of tears. I couldn't face getting a part in the next play so pulled out after auditioning. I haven't posted or written anything for a month. I've stopped going to the gym and ate nothing but sugar for about a week before moving on to junk food and cheese for the last three weeks. This, in turn, has led to hours of standing in front of the mirror hating myself, unable to find anything to wear. I am planning to go to the gym today but am finding it hard to shift out of patterns of self-hating leading to binging.

But my Dad is home and, if not entirely himself again, is getting there. Although it has led to some problems in my brain area, this whole experience has not been as bad as it certainly could have been and I have coped. My manager said yesterday that she would have been crying the whole time and I find it hard to believe that I wasn't. I had one bad day and that was it. I just feel like I've been crying the whole time. I have tears that spring into my eyes from time to time caused by random triggers like, for some reason, the end of The Railway Children repeating in my head. I'd walk down the road and "Daddy, Oh my Daddy" would hit me. Seriously, I just typed the blessed thing and it made me go. I think that what I need is some kind of finish to the whole thing. Some kind of train platform reunion where my Dad can dance a jig to prove he's okay and I can hug him and just feel better.

I am having second thoughts about posting this. Obviously, if you're reading this, the first thoughts won out. I saw Dad yesterday and he was up to sitting at the computer and had read my last post, which is good. But I don't want to write a post about how I feel crap because I've been mildly traumatised by my Dad's heart attack and subsequent triple heart bypass and then have him feel guilty when none of this is his fault. But I do need an outlet and this is my forum for my more selfish and self-indulgent thoughts. I just urge you, Dad, to understand that, however much I would wish to protect you from knowing that it was difficult for us, it was hard and we struggled at times but we would willingly go through worse for you to be alright.