One of the things that I talk about on here quite frequently, at which point my readership collectively sighs while thinking "Oh God, she's not going to talk about her hair again. Seriously, how much can one person be obsessive about her own hair" at which point I realise that this post will contain mention of my hair and I probably shouldn't make jokes about the fact that I ramble about inconsequential things, such as hair and shopping and weight loss/gain, just in case people start rebelling against my shallowness and do something to end the banality, like forcing me to watch the news and current affairs pogrammes a la Clockwork Orange. Wow, that sentence never even came to a proper conclusion. I'll start again. One of the things that I talk about on here quite frequently is the pressure of being a grown up and how successful I feel I am in this capacity. Normally I come pretty shy of any target of grown-uppedness, see above re: shallow. But I'm starting to think that I am measuring this in the wrong way, namely by comparing myself to other people infinitely more capable and mature, where I should really measure myself against my own achievements and changes. Himself and Herself are marvels and not necessarily people that I could ever hope to match in terms of braininess, organisation, time management and emotional maturity (and I can feel them blush as I type) so there is no comparison. I also strongly suspect that their science-y brains have devised some sort of time travel device so that they genuinely do have more hours in the day than everybody else. Of course, it's always possible that they just don't waste any time, but I think this is rather far-fetched.
However, recently, I am starting to think that I am actually getting there. Not in the way that I thought would happen where I would suddenly know exactly what I'm doing and be in control all the time. But I am doing things that are good for me and trying harder to make the right decisions about things that crop up in my life and I think it's the fact that I am, at least, trying to be better. I may fail, and already have, several times but it is in the trying and in the owning of the failures, rather than blaming other people or circumstances for something where the fault is mine, that is the key to it all.
I think that the last few days have presented opportunities for me to really realise what it is that I want and to try and claim it. For the first time, I have been able to own my appearance in the perspective of what I want to do. The fact that I am a little funny looking makes me distinctive, not wrong. I have made some moves to be the sort of friend I would prefer to be, more likely to make the first move and stop fretting so much about the little things. I am feeling more positive than I have for a long time and I hope it lasts. Thanks for sticking with me, gentle reader.
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1 comment:
Being 'grown up' is vastly overrated.
Seems that mostly it is about mortgages, holding down a job you hate , knowing how to change a washer, keeping insurance policies in a safe place and deferring gratification your WHOLE LIFE!
One definition of middle class... deferred gratification. Remaining poor for years to get education, remaining poor for more years to save for house and children, remaining poor for 25 years until house and children paid for then remaining poor to pay for 'keeping your affairs in order' (making sure there is something to pass on when you die.)
Woe betide anyone who rebels and spends significant time and money enjoying life at the expense of the mortgage, the savings, the 'career', the inheritance, the kids education etc etc.
And so it goes on. Listen to an old song called "Little boxes" and realise that being 'grown up' is really a whole unbroken stream of 'Ticky Tacky' and you are praised for being responsible if you inflict it on your children to make their lives miserable also.
Julie Birchill is probably right. Chavs DO have more fun.
However, some very eminent figures in the sciences, arts, and politics remained 'childish' all their lives. Grown ups tut-tutted of course but were secretly envious of their brilliance and their fun.
Just be you. If you don't want to be grown up then be something else.
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