Traitorous Gesture

At least once every day, I make a gesture that has become habit over the last five years. I rub the middle finger and the little finger on my right hand against my ring finger. I used to do this as a way of reassuring myself that my ring was on my finger. On several occasions I fidgeted with it so much that I dropped it, especially on a cold day. Sometimes I felt a dart of panic when I forgot to put it on in the morning and always felt relieved when I put it back on.

Now, the dart of panic invariably happens every time, and then the dull thud of realisation hits. I try and stop myself but it's automatic now and has become one of those things that you know hurts but you do anyway, like wobbling a loose tooth or picking at a scab. I've toyed, when the ache has become too intense, with wearing the ring again. Just so that I can get its reassuring presence back on my finger. But even if I did, I know that my mind would be worrying over it still. That it would mean the wrong thing, that I was trying to reclaim something that isn't really real any more or creating false expectations. But mainly, and most significantly, that putting it back on would make it harder to remove again. That when I took it off for the final time, I would be ripping a new wound and that the feeling I've been carrying around for months - the perpetual feeling of breathlessness and disbelief, like being punched in the stomach - would be worse than before.

I am so tired of it. So very tired of all of it.