When Life Goes Scary

I tried to post yesterday but had to stop as I was on the verge of embarrassing myself in a public place. It was a very bad day yesterday. I cried during the dissertation hand-in, although it was fortunately at a point when students were still lining up at the printers and weren't actually present. My Dad went into hospital on Tuesday night as a result of chest pains and then was told he'd had a heart attack and needed to stay in a week. We were all in a state of high panic but having got to the hospital and having Dad sit with us in the waiting room for a bit we'd all calmed down, but this news suddenly made it seem much more serious.

I closed off yesterday. I couldn't tell anyone except my boss at work so that I could leave early. I hadn't slept particularly well the night before and tiredness combined with a barely suppressed panic meant I just couldn't let anything out or I wouldn't stop. Dad's health since has been really good;, good blood pressure, good heartbeat but it's difficult to relax. I feel more relaxed but there's still a niggling thought in the back of my mind that when I'm not there, anything could happen. I wish I had the tools to defend my family against everything. A doctor and a warrior and a magician all in one. They are so precious.

I would break if anything happened to my Dad. I was trying to phrase it yesterday and couldn't find the words. I can't think of anything that expresses it better. I would break. I do not know anyone with more passion or the ability to express that passion and be so infectious with it. Although he can stumble with the words, his excitement is lifting and his sincerity is palpable. People are drawn to him and his talent and what is an indefinable air of being just kind of cool. Many's the time have I been told by people, or overheard, how awesome my Dad is. He's devoted to my Mum, and she to him, and their relationship is one of the best I've ever seen. Although he sees himself as curmudgeonly and grumpy, which, don't get me wrong, he can easily be, he is an optimistic and romantic bon viveur.

That last point may have to be trimmed somewhat with a post-heart attack diet but what can you do? I think evidence of his awesomeness can be seen in the response to me telling people; emails and phone calls and visitors have been popping in and I'm so grateful for all of this. People are amazing.

Crazy Lady

So, I'm back on a diet and back to obsessing about food. I'm sure you're not exactly fascinated by this and I know that I can get a bit repetitive but, as with Herself and her drinks list the other day, sometimes it is good to use the blogs for our own means as opposed to providing entertainment. I have managed to eat very little this week, which I am quite surprised by. I was ratty when I came back from a training session this morning because I hadn't eaten and there were biscuits and everything. I have now eaten and my mood has been restored. I'm eating a bowl of cereal for lunch as I hate sandwiches that have been around for a while. I only eat sandwiches at home because they're fresh. I think it has to do with getting cheese and cucumber sandwiches at school; when I got to them at lunch, the bread and cheese would be soggy from the cucumbers. If I remembered, I'd take the cucumbers out when I got to school and store them separately. I can't remember if I ever actually told my Mum or not, that probably would have been easier.

Anyhoo, yesterday was a work hand-in and I was up and down like a yoyo so decided not to do the cereal thing and got a gross wrap that was 9 Weightwatchers points. I threw half of it away so it counts as 4.5, I reckon. Had to do the same thing just now with a sticky toffee Mullerlite thing. There weren't any apples at the corner shop and I'd seen a persuasive advert of a Mullerlite and a chocolate button, saying that they were about the same fat content or something so thought that the Mullerlite would be brilliant because so much more filling. Unfortunately it was really sickly, so have wasted £3.55 this week on food that I have thrown away. Very frustrating. And really, who sells crap yoghurts over apples? I went to Tesco Express while walking in to work this morning (get me) and they didn't have any of the apple type that I am currently eating so didn't get any there. I'm into Granny Smith's at the moment, before that it was Cox's, before that, Gala and Braeburns and I really only ate Granny Smiths in my teenage years. It does make it slightly awkward that not only do I only eat one type of fruit but that I also only eat one type of the one type of fruit that I do eat. Does that make sense?

I have been to the gym Monday and today and walked either to or from work every day. When I get home, MuleBoy has generally cooked something massively unhealthy, so that is something to change for next week! But as a cap to the day I've been having pure sugar. I had five After Eights on Monday and four Minstrels last night. It's something to look forward to. This restraint will last until the weekend, I reckon. Then I'll probably be just as crap as before. But at least I'm trying now.

The cats' diets are going pretty much as I expected. Having been back for their second weigh-in (they have to go every six weeks) Steve has lost 250 grams and Meatball has gained 100. I'm not quite sure how she's managed this. I put on weight because I can go to the shops and buy more food, which I can't really imagine her doing. So we're going to exercise her more, which currently involves us running to the top of the stairs with her food. She stops and looks at us from the bottom and waits for us to come back down again. I was in a rush this morning so gave up after she sat on the fifth step and refused to go any further. In light of this, the cat harness that we've bought in order to walk her is starting to feel like a wasted purchase. I'll give it a go at the weekend, I think. Maybe at night so that no-one can actually see me walking a cat.

Waking Up

Happy New Year everybody!

I've been in hibernation. It's been very nice. Taking the first week back at work off is becoming something of a tradition and it is generally extremely lovely. I sleep a lot, eat a lot, play games, spend time with MuleBoy, watch old films, stay up late and avoid the shower. I know, I know, the last bit's gross. It's just really nice falling out of the world for a while.

So now I'm back. Can't say that I've done anything constructive yet, except plan to not eat very much today and I made myself bring in my gym bag. Early days. And to be honest, I'm not really convinced that I'll get very far with any resolutions that I've half-heartedly formed in my head. But I'm currently feeling content and warm-glow-ish, which is worth a lot. Excited by the future and all the possibilities. I can see an end to MuleBoy's degree, he has a new job at the mo, I can see an end to my job and the start of something new. Everything seems shiny and new, just like it should do after a decent hibernation.